Of cock-rings and EEO immunity
It’s always good to be able to remove a threat. Today, I now know that I can never be fired for sexual harassment. No need to ever worry if one comment or another is taken the wrong way, or that mentioning my wife and I have a Playboy subscription is inappropriate. No sir, because from now on, I have carte blanche. How, in this repressed, politically correct era can one achieve such immunity?
It all started a couple days ago when the Implanted Wonder-Twit (henceforth, the IWT) asked me for the wife’s email address.
- A brief history of the IWT:
The IWT is a 30 year old divorcé. It’s hard to imagine a woman ever getting divorced from her first love/statutory rapist (he 21, her 15), but in this day and age, anything’s possible.
So in her late 20s, he wakes her up, tells her he wants to move and not take her with him. She gets divorced, relocates here and just goes hog-wild, partying it up as any girl should when she finally leaves a guy she should have never been with. Then she takes it to another level... actually, most guesses have it about 3 levels...err cup sizes. She went from a B cup to bowling balls in a weekend. And of course, she talked about it NON STOP for weeks before and after the surgery, always bringing in her new swimsuits she had to buy because the others didn’t fit anymore.
The guys in the office literally flee when she’s around because she won’t stop talking about her tits and we’re afraid of a harassment suit swooping in and targeting us just for being there.
Well, I fear no more.
So I give the IWT the wife’s email address and didn’t think much of it until I hear the talk about what she’s sending her - and every woman in my office - including the fundamentalist Christian woman. It’s an invite to a Passion Party (read: sex toy tupperware party).
In short, here’s a list of words that have been shouted out by the IWT this morning, in our cube farm.
dildos
cock rings
lubes
vibrator
porno
marital aids
orgasm
With all that out there, and heard by all, there’s no chance anyone in this office is ever getting fired for sexual harassment.
Now what if the IWT wasn’t a woman? What if the IWT was a guy saying the above things in quick succession in a workplace? Hmm....
It all started a couple days ago when the Implanted Wonder-Twit (henceforth, the IWT) asked me for the wife’s email address.
- A brief history of the IWT:
The IWT is a 30 year old divorcé. It’s hard to imagine a woman ever getting divorced from her first love/statutory rapist (he 21, her 15), but in this day and age, anything’s possible.
So in her late 20s, he wakes her up, tells her he wants to move and not take her with him. She gets divorced, relocates here and just goes hog-wild, partying it up as any girl should when she finally leaves a guy she should have never been with. Then she takes it to another level... actually, most guesses have it about 3 levels...err cup sizes. She went from a B cup to bowling balls in a weekend. And of course, she talked about it NON STOP for weeks before and after the surgery, always bringing in her new swimsuits she had to buy because the others didn’t fit anymore.
The guys in the office literally flee when she’s around because she won’t stop talking about her tits and we’re afraid of a harassment suit swooping in and targeting us just for being there.
Well, I fear no more.
So I give the IWT the wife’s email address and didn’t think much of it until I hear the talk about what she’s sending her - and every woman in my office - including the fundamentalist Christian woman. It’s an invite to a Passion Party (read: sex toy tupperware party).
In short, here’s a list of words that have been shouted out by the IWT this morning, in our cube farm.
dildos
cock rings
lubes
vibrator
porno
marital aids
orgasm
With all that out there, and heard by all, there’s no chance anyone in this office is ever getting fired for sexual harassment.
Now what if the IWT wasn’t a woman? What if the IWT was a guy saying the above things in quick succession in a workplace? Hmm....
posted by Jake Barnes @ 10:52 AM
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